Beginnings and Endings

This week is a huge one for me in terms of milestones. Gigantic milestones--the type that deserve to be celebrated. They are hard to put out there, because I have to admit to my mistakes to celebrate the accomplishments.

First up, my 10 year wedding anniversary... This is one I mourn, just a little--not for the loss of my marriage or the man, but for incredible sense of failure that accompanies this date. I am much better off without him, this I know without a doubt. Coming to terms with such a colossal mistake is taking some time though. Growing up with divorced parents that bickered through us (me) constantly made me vow not to do that to my children... but here I am, in the exact same boat and it sucks. I grew up way too fast, way too early and made a lot of bad decisions because I really wasn't as grown-up as I would have liked to have thought. I actively try to keep my children innocent and sheltered from the adult world--children deserve a childhood, free from adult worries. I take a lot of flack from people for sheltering them they way I do, but I don't care. My children got through this messy divorce without acting out in any major way, and that was my goal. So even in this failure, I am able to claim a victory.

Saturday marks one year since I got the keys to my new house. I am so thankful to my parents for giving me the ability to remove myself from that life. It's not the just the house, it was the gift of freedom from tyranny, from anxiety--a new beginning. I've dealt with severe depression and anxiety for years, and I kept trying to assure everyone that it was "situational anxiety" and that if the situation were fixed that the depression would go away. Unfortunately, the situation lasted 9 full years. Over those 9 years, I was on and off of different anti-depressants... none of them truly worked as they should because the situation was always there. By moving into this house, I regained control over my life; I was given a do-over. I am no longer depressed and overly anxious. I no longer need those horrible mind-altering drugs that were prescribed to me. I am free. Thank you Mama, I would still be stuck there if it wasn't for your interventions and help. I owe you so much...

A very important step to my freedom was accomplished 18 months ago this week: I got clean. I wasn't just taking anti-depressants... I smoked a lot of pot. Pot is a different type of addiction than other drugs. Some scientists say you can't become addicted to it--and it's true that it isn't a physical craving like with other drugs--but I call bullshit on it not being addictive. I was addicted to the "I don't give a flying crap" feeling. I needed to not give a crap to be able to live the way we were. I was so fearful of losing my kids to his stupidity that to be able to "deal" with it, to be able to dull that anxiety--I had to be high. I knew it was killing me just a little more each day, but I didn't care. (see the pattern?) I finally made the ultimate decision that to get out I NEEDED to care again. I needed a clear head, I needed to be able to react rationally, and that my children needed me to be healthy. My breaking point came when he wanted to be high on Kate's 5th birthday. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't miss another celebration. I took my last hit at lunch that day. I will never shy away from saying this: my hands were not clean in his monkey business, and that was a huge part of my anxiety. They are clean now, and I am trying to release that guilt of being such a terrible person for so long. Each day is a step forward now, though some days do feel like running up a sand dune. I keep getting stronger each day removed from that place; I'll make the top of the dune yet. Can you imagine how strong I'm going to be when I get there?

Unfortunately, I exchanged smoking pot for smoking cigarettes again. I had kicked this habit before I got married, but slipped back into it when things got tough... It's not meant as an excuse, but that craving is a true physical addiction that is so hard to resist. Fortunately, I took my one year clean mark and decided it was another ending--I was never going to smoke again after that... and this week marks 6 months smoke-free. I only want this to be celebrated, I do not want a lecture on why smoking is bad or gross. Guess what? I already decided that all on my own. Twice.

Life isn't always pretty--endings never wrap up as cleanly as they do in novels--I said months ago when I started writing here that I wanted to live honestly and openly. That means being honest about my mistakes and foul-ups as well as my accomplishments. My life has not been something I could be proud about for 10+ years, but with my new beginnings I can be proud of who I am today and how far I've come. I have a long way to go yet to feeling truly accomplished (ahem, career gods--if you see fit, could you send a blessing my way?), but this is my beginning. I was blessed with chance to correct my mistakes, and I (and my children) are so very thankful.