Tested

I know that this week was a test. A test of my character. A test of my emotional strength. A test of my courage. A test of my faith in Goodness.

This week I discovered that idiot placed my baby girls into a situation that they could have been abused last weekend. He had the g/f and the g/f's 12-13yo son in the house that I still own, and had all the kids sleep together in the same room. ALL.IN.THE.SAME.ROOM. I met this boy today--he is not a child. He is taller than me, and I now have an even worse feeling about what could have/might still happen to my baby girls after having to interact with him. He just seemed a little *too* interested in my children, and it seriously creeped me out. Mommy alarms going off everywhere, and mamas know not to ignore that inner voice.

When I confronted the ex about this situation, he got really defensive and angry and violent. I grew even more suspicious--why is he protecting this kid he has known for a couple of months, instead of trying to protect his baby girls? Because he just doesn't get it. His kids should come first, not his desires to have someone sleeping in his bed every single night. So I immediately revoked his parenting time to the absolute minimum, which is all he signed up for on the divorce papers. I made sure that I would be able to control how much access he was able to have to them when I was in front of the judge, just in case a situation like this cropped up. He was more concerned with how much child support he was going to have to pay instead of time spent with his kids. Living safely in poverty is a million times better than having to subject them to the danger. It didn't take as long as I thought it would for this to happen.

His stupidity apparently knows no boundaries though. Our house had competing contracts on it. HAD. The house didn't pass the inspection. Because of "issues in the attic". Issue? Grow Room and dead pot plants everywhere. 30 pots of dirt. grow lights. extension cords and re-wired non-code electrical system. Vent system. Fertilizers. Yea, I know. WOW. I was highly suspect it was happening again, because he was openly complaining about the electricity bill to me--and showed me the bill which was higher than it had EVER been. And his stupid ass left it ALL up there while it had a lock-box on the front door, while we had the public going through our house, trying to sell it--and STILL left it up there knowing the house inspector was going to go through. This bit of stupidity cost us $150,000 this week.

He finally allowed me to come out to the house Thursday night to get some more of my stuff (yes, 9 months, I still haven't been allowed to get my stuff). After the things he had said and did already this week, I was so so so scared... but marched into the lion's den anyway. Thankfully, I had a friend there to mediate. I got my pictures from my childhood back--which was the most important thing I was missing. All the other stuff is just stuff (that I would like back), but the pictures of me and my siblings and my parents and my friends... those are extra-special things that are mine. I was also given our wedding pictures, which the girls are in awe of. I will make an album for them and keep it put away mostly, but this is something that i KNOW is incredibly important to them when they grow up. I was 15 before I saw pics of my parents wedding--and that was at my grandfather's house. They disappeared shortly after that, which makes me incredibly sad. Every child should know that there was happiness at one point in time... because all that they know is the anger and sadness surrounding it now.

When I was there in my girls room, sorting through their toys and stuff to bring over to my house, my heart was hurting... There were pennies dumped out of a bank. I reached down to pick one at random, and it was exactly like those I had been leaving for my grandfathers. I then found a picture of my grandfather stuck in a random place in the same room. Always when I need a boost, they are still there for me, guiding my decisions, telling me what I am doing is right and just...

Today... there just are not an appropriate set of words for the embarrassment I experienced today. We had a Scouting event today (oh, have I mentioned he is a Scout Leader? yea.....), a family cookout for the scouts and they were planting a tree in honor of the local scouts that clean the park. The ex showed up with the gf and her kid. We walk over to the shelter and the girlfriend automatically takes over the parenting of my girls. Literally pushes me out of the way to get them plates of food. People were staring, I'm certain they were just waiting for a scene to erupt. I was mortified, but took back control without a scene. Again, she pushed in front of me when we went over to the playground so that she could play with my children. What kind of woman does that? OMG, just horrified. I finally decided I had been humiliated enough, and gathered the kids to leave. She reaches down to take Paige's hand away from me. OH FUCK NO. I swear it took every bit of self-control to not cause a scene... How dare she?!?!?! I took Paige right back away from her--my poor baby girl was the subject of a tug-o-war! She cackles at me "Now THAT is some insecurity!" Umm, no, not hardly. Who is the one that has only been around three months, and is trying her hardest to secure a place in my children's life by *literally* pushing the mother out of the way? That's what I thought. I told the children we were leaving NOW, and walked back home... passing the entire scout troop and parents and leaders on the way. My head was up, but I wanted to die from embarrassment. The rest of my night was spent with my children flocked around me, giving them snuggles and stories as they needed them... and helping Kate with the math she insisted on doing.



I walked into the lion's den this week, terrified of what awaited me. I prayed for strength and serenity of soul, and asked others to pray for me, for my protection too. I recited the serenity prayer constantly all week. I felt your thoughts and prayers surrounding me as I walked in, and as I walked out safe and sound--thank you so much!

I am saddened at what I have to do, but my children deserve a better life than what he is giving them. Goodness will prevail, I will not allow them to continue to be subjected to these foolish decisions. He deserves all that is coming to him in the next few weeks and months to come, because good will always triumph over evil.

I was Tested this week, and I know I stumbled along the way, allowing my emotions to take over at times... but I am here, I made it through, and I felt Love even in pain.

Continue to send me Strength and Serenity, Patience and Protection in the coming week. <3