Someone challenged me to a Dare

I started writing this entry Thursday night, then fell asleep while I was writing it. Friday, I broke my hand and distracted me from finishing it before now. So now, I finish it. Thanks for understanding! :)


I feel guilty and upset for how publicly angry I've been lately. I was working on patience and holding my tongue and doing such a good job at controlling my awful flashes of temper, but lately I have failed. I lost my ability to laugh at this situation this month... but how can one laugh when one's children are placed in horrible at-risk situations? When I am still legally tied to this man, who has cost us tens of thousands of dollars in lost sales of that house? Who owes his children thousands of dollars of child support? Who has time and time again placed my children in dangerous situations and doesn't care? Who openly lies to his children and forces them to break school rules, when they know the rules and the truth? Who sent my daughter back to me today with fleas crawling through her hair and bites on her neck? I just want to cry... but instead of showing weakness by crying, I turn that into anger and spew forth a fury of words.

Secret: I don't like that angry girl.
Not-A-Secret: I know that nobody else does either.

I spend so much of the day in pure meditation--reading inspirations, playing colored pencils or paints, draping fabrics on my dressform, writing my nonsense, playing hair and makeup with KoalaBaby... All of it in an effort to keep my mind peaceful.

A very good friend of mine gave me some advice at Christmas time. He said "Lead your heart, do not follow it." and told me about a book to read when I was ready, The Love Dare. It's a Christian relationship book, intended to repair a seriously broken relationship over the course of 40 days worth of challenges. The book is built upon the teachings of 1st Corinthians 13. I found that even though I'm not in a marital relationship, I could still apply the principles of the book to my existing relationships with my children, other family and friends.

The first lesson in the book is "Love is Patient". The key sentence in the entire lesson is "When you choose the to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative situation." This is what I have been trying in every dealing in my life, but there was a sort of snowball effect over the last couple of weeks where my fuse became terribly short. I am ashamed of this. So, I am publicly declaring my re-commitment to patience and kindness. I can make the choice to control my emotions instead of letting them control me. I don't want to see Hurricane Amanda blowing in anymore.

Back to leading your heart... In the book, it says that your heart follows whatever you invest your time, money and what you talk about the most; meaning if you invest your time in your relationship, love will blossom.

The most important relationship in my life is the one with my children. This is what I devote all of my time and energies on. The ideas presented to me in this book allowed me to step back from the dating scene without regret to focus on my children. I had allowed myself to get caught up in the dating scene initially, but then I realized "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" Proverbs 4:23 rang very true. The men trying to catch my attention were in it for themselves; I was nothing special to them, just another conquest. This realization came about when I wrote the "Dating Fail" entry.

This book has allowed me to keep myself in check; to not allow myself to make all of the same horrible mistakes I made when I was 20ish; to be content with my life as it is now; to teach me patience is something that one must work at daily, hourly.

There is also an incredible lesson on forgiveness that I will write on more when my hand starts to heal a bit more. I applied this lesson to my family member that won't speak to me, and have attempted to use apply this to the ex... This one goes hand-in-hand with that patience lesson, and is a daily internal struggle for me. Forgiveness is about letting go... Oh, how I try every day to let go of all the hurt... but it is hard.

These are things I meditate on each day: patience and persistence, love and forgiveness, and making sure my children have a joyful life. I just wanted to thank my friend for telling me about this book. It has giving my children a happier, more peaceful mother for the most part--and that is a priceless gift. Thank you.