My daily life continues to be filled with a wide variety of emotional uber-highs and shitty lows. Friday was no exception. When I have days like this, I think I ought to break it into separate posts to address the different issues that transpired... but then that wouldn't properly show the utter craziness that I deal with.
I didn't have the kids Thursday night because I had the opportunity to go see the guy from Postsecret give his talk, and I was able to go out with one of my girlfriends from college. It was a good talk--I'll have to write about this in depth at a different time.
So I go to pick up Paige Friday morning (we meet in a public place to exchange the kids now). We walk in the house and she looks around a little bit: at the markers and paper on the floor, right where she left them the night before; at the shoes on the fireplace hearth; at the kiddie papers on the counter; and the books on the coffee table... She looks back up at me and says "Mama, I luf dis house! It's so clean and pretty! I go put my Woobie on my bed!" and she ran off to make her bed, even though she hadn't slept there the night before. I snorted at the "clean" part--because it was sooooo not clean--but in her simple, sweet little statement, she let me know that THIS house is the one that she sees as her "home"... not the one her father lives in, even though that is the house she has lived in since birth. Her home is where her Mama keeps it. I love all the different ways the children let me know that they feel my love for them.
We snuggle on the couch for a while, reading books to each other. Then I have to go start the business of my day, and check my email. I had sent an email earlier in the week to the ex saying that we had to set the summer visitation schedule before the end of the week so I could hire the nanny for the summer. Well, it was sitting in my inbox, filled out with the weeks he wanted to take as his vacation. In the agreement, he is allowed four non-consecutive weeks during the summer, and his regular weekend visits figured in there when applicable. He has a big business trip that he can't take vacay for for four weeks before and the week after, so i pretty much knew that he would have to take nearly all of June... but wow. From when school gets out on May 21st through July 5th (a 6-week period), I have the children for 13 overnights. That's it. Even though I was prepping myself for it, it was a shitty shock to my system once I placed all of it on my calendar. And I really can't do anything about it--it's what he is entitled to as their father. I just have to accept it, because I agreed to it in the divorce contract.
When I was without employment, I thought that maybe I would spend all that kid-less time in May and June traveling around the country, trying to re-center myself. Visiting family and friends, finding art, going exploring with my camera, dominating some mountains again (I used to mountain climb a lot)... And if the house was able to be sold in time, then I would be able to do all this without worrying about bills or anything. A total freeing experience--something I am in desperate need of: time to myself DOING something that I love without boundaries. But... I screwed it up and got a job because I HAD to, the money well went dry. Oy. Then in a matter of hours this week, the money well sprung open again, drenching me in luck and abundance, setting me free from having to seriously worry about money ever again. I need this vacation, this time to myself, but I won't break my word to work. So I'm putting this off for a bit I think.
My house officially sold on Thursday. After having my house on the market for 7-8 months, it finally sold for nearly list price. The bid was placed Wednesday night, and our counter offer was accepted Thursday morning. We signed Thursday afternoon. However, the contract we signed was a contingency contract, which made me somewhat uneasy... Turns out, it was the best thing that could have happened, because there was another couple that was looking at the exact same moment. After going to sleep Thursday--finally at peace that the house had sold--I ended up refereeing a bidding war between these two parties on Friday! That just doesn't happen, especially in this horrible housing market. The original couple with the contingency contract have 72 hours to show me the money, otherwise the contract go to the next highest bidder--which will get me another $2500 on the sale of the house if it goes to them. It doesn't matter either way to me. The house is sold!!! The last legal bond I have with my ex is about to be forever severed--he will no longer have control over any thing in my life.
I have been absolutely GLOWING since getting the call with the initial bid Wednesday night. I was in the mall in Joplin, trying on work clothes half-naked in a dressing room when I got the call with the bid. I bought everything I tried on (don't worry-it all fit) and walked out of the mall with a huge smile on my face. I must have been radiating happiness something fierce, because two different guys called out to me as I walked past... then I went to Starbucks and the old guy there told me to bring my beautiful smile around more often. I've pretty much been all =D since then too.
So after all the contract negotiating Friday afternoon, I grabbed the kids after school and took them all for ice cream before I had to give them back to their dad for the weekend. I explained to Sam what was going on with the house, who really appreciates it when I include him in the adult goings on. He also caught me digging through my pennies and said "Are you going to visit your grandpas and give them pennies again?" Aww, that little boy understands all my little foibles. Again, it is so rewarding when your children show you that they have been paying attention to all your little actions, especially something as small as looking for specific pennies.
The time came to drop them off, and I drove off to go deliver my pennies. Throughout my divorce, I have prayed/talked to my grandfathers, asking for guidance or signs or something to show my that I was doing the right thing, that they (or Someone) was watching over me...
My Pockie was the single most influential man in my life. He was *the one* that I looked up to throughout my entire life, and still do. He made sure that I worked my brain to its fullest extent, even when I was really young. He developed this big brain more than any of my parents or teachers ever did. He was the one that gave me new things to think about, in ways that I hadn't realized existed. He was the one responsible for me being well-read in every subject, and that taught me how to research effectively and completely.
My Grandpa H showed me how to work for myself and was ALWAYS there to talk to me whenever I needed it throughout high school or during the summers when I needed a break from "the house". He understood that need and made sure that I could be independent from them--and that I could gain independence from my husband if I ever needed it. When I got married, he made my father give me a piece of land... then he built me a house upon that piece of land that upon completion, immediately gave me equity. When it was done, I held a mortgage that was only 60% of the value of the house and land. I retained that ratio, even after re-financing the house a couple of years later. He sat me down when we were building this and said "Owning a house is an investment--the single best investment you can own at this point in your young life. This house will grant your freedom to make your own choices if you ever need it. Take care of it, and it will take care of you."
So through this process, I had gone to the Veteran's Memorial at Pitt, where they both have stones engraved with their names and asked for guidance, or understanding, or peace. And I have left them pennies stuck between the pavers with the date of my birth, and the date that they left me. Friday I went and gave thanks to my Grandpa for the gift of freedom that he gave me all those years ago. I gave thanks to my Pockie for continuing to watch over me and guiding my decisions. And I buried those pennies deep between the pavers. A silly little act of remembrance to some, but oh so important to me.
I finished up my nightly house chores and conked out early, face first in my laptop. And I slept completely relaxed for the first time in months, maybe years... No awful nightmares. No pre-sleep worries keeping me awake. Just relaxation and sleep. It was wonderful.
Of course, today I find out the ex hasn't paid the mortgage in 2 months, owing more than $2K to them. I found out only because they misdelivered the mail. *groan* I guess he REALLY likes dealing with lawyers or something. I'm not going to stress about that today-I can wait until Monday. But I had a really good conversation with my mom and got my hair cut so it looks and feels all pretty. lol. I drew a few new dress designs for this new fabric I bought, and sorted through all my work clothes in my closet.
I'm slowly learning how to embrace all the goodness in my life, while dealing with all the very bad in stride. It is an on-going exercise in patience and persistence and giving thanks where it is due... but I'm learning, always learning.
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