Really, does much more need to be said than that? Well, of course it isn't always quite that cut and dry; but in the end, this is what it boils down to.
I have a bunch of girlfriends that are starting the divorce process, and several guy friends that have recently ended long-term relationships. Most of them don't realize how lucky they are that they don't share children with their ex. These friends will be able to walk away and never look back if they don't want to. That isn't to diminish the hurt they are going through--the end of any relationship is traumatic and filled with self-reflection "What did I do wrong? Could I have done anything differently to have changed that outcome?" All I'm saying is that when the hurt finally fades, they will never have to deal with this person ever again.
This is not the case with me and those of my friends that have children with their soon-to-be-ex. The most I can hope for is to get a legal end to my relationship, and learn how to deal with this man in a parenting-only relationship. In some ways, this is much more difficult than being married to him. I do not want to ever have to look at this man, but I am still in nearly daily contact with him regarding the care and concerns of our children. You know, I'd really like to knock the bastard out flat… but not for the things he has done to ME anymore. I want to teach him a lesson for continuing to hurt our children with his idiotic and callous actions.
I can't just walk away from him unfortunately. I am mad jealous for those of you that are going to be able to (eventually) do that. When we have to meet to exchange the children, or exchange email or texts about the children, he nearly always does something to try to hurt me personally. My skin is getting really thick.
In the job interview, the general manager asked me how I would be able to deal with irate or upset customers--would I be personally offended, would I be a puddle of tears at the end of the day? Exactly how tough are you? was the question he was asking. Ha--are you freaking kidding me?!?!?!! Selling cars is just business--and a business deal gone wrong isn't going to break me. A lesser woman would be dead after all that I've had to endure throughout my marriage; but I'm here, still standing in front of all of you today, stronger for what I've been through and what I continue to go through every day with him.
At the beginning of her journey, one of my girlfriends posited the question "If you could go back and change something that has changed ur life and ur not sure it has made you better, would you?"
Knowing that she was referring to her relationship ending, I responded: "Over the last 10 or so years, I've been through some stuff in my life that definitely didn't make it better; things happened that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But in every one of those situations, I learned an important life lesson--whether it be patience, strength, love, persistence, when to reach out to my friends, who I could trust, or when and how to protect myself and my little ones. So while I would want to remove certain painful situations, I wouldn't want to remove the lesson that it taught me."
She responded, "Yes I just want to know what I'm should be getting out of this shit. Cause all I'm getting right now is pain."
I told her "I am able to look back on it now and say "Yes, I am a better person NOW because THIS is what I learned," but when I was in the thick of it, I felt truly hopeless. When I was going through it all, I really didn't know why I was being subjected to those things. It was all extremely painful--physically and emotionally. I am so sorry that you are going through crap right now... I hope things start to look brighter for you soon."
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Relationships end and yet, time marches on. Don't let the end of a relationship break you. Learn from your mistakes, grow from them and move on. If you have to deal with your ex on a daily basis, you have to allow the insults roll off as best you can--or deal with them in a legal manner if need be. Take control of your life and the direction you are traveling through life. This might take time to get to this point and that is FINE! :-) Take the time you need to put that relationship away, out of your heart and mind… but don't let it take over your life and continue to rule your decisions. I'm putting a 13-year relationship away (we started dating in December 1996). This is taking time, as it should. But I will keep marching forward, not looking back.
Like Lot's wife running from Sodom and Gomorrah, if you turn and look back at the misery and destruction for too long, you will crumble and die. Just don't ever look back.
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