How I Saved My Life

I was looking for my school notebook last night, and stumbled upon a journal that had escaped the box of other journals. I glanced through it, looking for a date, reading through the words... when I found these words:

"You can do this. You can get better girl!!! Your family needs you to be strong, we need to have your head healthy. And you KNOW it needs to be learning to get better!"

Those words of encouragement were written to myself on July 26, 2007. I was trying hard to climb out of my depression. I had been kicked while I was down so many times by this point; looking back it is truly amazing that I didn't give up on myself. I am sooo glad I didn't know that it would be another three years before I would get out, otherwise I may have.

In the nine months previous to this entry, I had gone through a very serious health scare, the discovery of yet another affair (in the midst of the health scare-let me say I KNOW how Elizabeth Edwards must feel), very serious child health issues, the ex nearly bankrupting us with his idiocy, my parents bizarre behaviors and the fallout surrounding my brother's wedding, my father firing me from the job I had held for a dozen years and the subsequent shunning of me within my family. I have a feeling this is where the saying "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" comes from.

I am a stronger person for all I went through. I wouldn't wish any one of those situations on any person, yet I went through them all in that short amount of time. You know, I did have moments where I wanted to scream out "Fuck you for abandoning me when I needed you the most!" but I have moved through that, and I am now just happy that it is all in the open now. I wasn't receiving the words of encouragement I needed to hear from them, so I provided them to myself. Over the next couple of years, I would leave myself little notes around the house to remind myself to have patience, to smile, to enjoy the children while they were young.

I still utilize this device. As I sit here, I have several little notes with encouraging words on my bulletin board. Still, I wish I could hear these words.